When it comes to improving fertility, we can be so focused on the mechanics of getting healthy eggs and healthy sperm to combine and spawn new life that we lose sight of why we’re all here. Literally…why we are all here.
Life is created out of an instinctive desire to connect deeply. And if everything aligns and new life begins, we work together across many years to nurture these beings we’ve brought into existence.
Yet in the plight to manifest this miracle of life, we can so easily forget….each other.
We forget our relationships.
So busy taking supplements, eating fertility-boosting foods, gearing up for ovulation, getting a deposit right on time and then waiting for two weeks to see if we hit the jackpot…
We forget ourselves. We forget our partner. We have gotten lost in the weeds.
A way to reconnect anew
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, I’m introducing a ‘visual meditation practice’ to help you rediscover to the essence of your relationship with your partner. (This practice can be applied to others in your life as well; so if you are without a partner at this time, you can still explore this practice.)
As a little preparation, I want to suggest watching this scene from “The Greatest Showman.” In this movie, P.T. Barnum has built a successful circus show by recruiting unusual people who had been scorned by society. He created a place where they could belong, be unique and be celebrated. But as he rose to some prominence he began to show signs of wanting to hide his circus cast from his new high society circle. In this scene, the bearded woman leads a rousing anthem to announce that she won’t be shamed… “This is Me.”
Please take a moment to soak in this performance.
This is me…this is you…
On some level, we’re all unique, we’re all flawed, we’re all freaks, we could be shamed for who we are or we can embrace ourselves and each other for exactly who we are.
Your partner chose you. You chose your partner. Not for all the perfect parts, but for all the parts. You’ve probably discovered things about each other since the height of your original infatuation. Some of these things may be endearing and some I’m guessing are less enamoring.
But here you are. Two human beings, doing this thing called life together. Stepping out into new adventures together. Holding hands through thick and thin.
If you’d like to reignite your core connection with you partner, I’d like to offer this meditation practice to help you and your partner reconnect with the essence of who you are individually and together.
Visual meditation practice
This is an eloquently simple experiential practice that doesn’t need to involve talking or thinking. In fact the less you think about it and the more you just let yourself immerse yourself in it, the better.
Set aside a special time together with your partner when you won’t be interrupted.
You be the judge of how to set this up, but you probably want to clue your partner in about what you’re doing. Maybe sharing this blog post could be a useful springboard.
You might want to set a timer (with a pleasant chime at the end) so that there’s no communication needed about when to end the exercise. I suggest 3-5 minutes. Of course you can stop sooner or continue longer if you wish to.
Face each other seated or standing in a way that you can easily look into each others eyes.
Connecting & seeing
Hold each other’s hands gently if you wish.
Begin by taking slow breath together.
Now simply see each other.
Look into each others eyes and see what you see. (It’s fine to blink, it’s not a staring contest.)
Just take time to notice the eyes of your partner. Some people call this “the window to the soul.” But just notice what you see.
Maybe you see the past, the present or the future. Just notice.
Notice what comes up inside of you as you maintain your gaze.
Notice how it feels for you to be seen by your partner this way.
Notice your breathing. Notice your body. Notice your partner’s presence.
Concluding the practice
At the end of your eye contact time, notice how you would like to end this paragraph…with a smile, a nod, a hand squeeze, an embrace? Follow your natural reaction.
Take time to share with each other about what your experienced, what you felt during the exercise and how you are feeling now.
Adaptations
If this formal practice seems to hokey or unfitting for whatever reason for you and your partner, consider a more informal invitation. “Hey, I’m realizing we’re always rushing here and there, and I was thinking maybe we could pause for a minute, slow down and just see each other without any distractions….would you be willing to try this with me?”
And if even that seems too far out, without a word about it, just take your own moment to look in your partners’ eyes and see this person who is riding through life’s adventures with you.
You can also do this practice with anyone who is open to connecting with you in this way….a friend, a family member, an acquaintance who’s on this wavelength. (I tried with my cat but he kept looking away.)
With children, you can also try simply looking in their eyes with intentions of truly seeing them. Notice how this affects you and how they respond.
You can also do this practice with yourself, looking in the mirror. (That can be a little intense, and I’ll probably expand on this idea in a separate blog post.)
There’s no right or wrong way to experience this. It is a way of changing the way that we normally connect and opening ourselves to seeing in new ways.
I believe that deepening our connection within ourselves and within our relationships can have subtle but profound implications for our fertility and also our general sense of well-being.
Bonus track
If you were moved by the clip from The Greatest Showman, you might also enjoy this piece showing a live rehearsal of the piece during the making of the movie.
Please feel free to share in the comments below any reactions to this blog or anything about how you experienced this partner meditation.
Find more resources throughout this website for increasing fertility and improving egg quality after age 40, or at any age.
