I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was bursting at the seams with eagerness to share the news with the world.  I’m pregnant!  We’re expecting!  I don’t remember how I announced it on Facebook.  Did I post an ultrasound picture?  Did I even wait until the end of the first trimester?  I can’t remember, but I do know I hadn’t a shadow of a doubt that I was on my road to taking home my baby after nine months.  And I did.  And it was all beautiful.

Four years later, pregnant with our second child, my experience was nothing like the first time.  I was 45 years old. My heart had been pummeled by two years of fertility struggles.  This was my third pregnancy in a year.  It seemed like I should share my news at some point, but when?  How?  To cheerfully announce our baby’s due date as if “this just happened” seemed somehow disingenuous.  

I wanted to share something truthful and meaningful about the challenges of miscarriage and fertility struggles, but without throwing a heavy wet blanket on anyone who read the announcement.  
I waited until I was seven months pregnant to “come out” to my larger circle of friends.  It took me that long to believe that this pregnancy was for real, to have the courage to share, and to find the right voice for my story.  

This is the post I shared on Facebook, on November 26, 2015.

“Happy Thanksgiving! Grateful beyond words for this blessing. It’s not a ‘this just happened’ story. Our story:…”

A Prelude to Tiddlywink

It’s been a long wait and a bumpy ride. I may be an “old soul” by the time I arrive. 

There was a mommy, a daddy, and little girl named Leila. They could have been a complete family of three, but the mommy wasn’t so sure. She would ask the daddy, “Should we make a little sibling for Leila?” He would say, “Absolutely not, our family is perfect as it is.” She would ask Leila “Should we bring another baby into our family?” 18-month old Leila would say, “No! Leila ONLY baby!!” By the time Leila turned two, she had softened her position and the mommy asked the daddy for this one big, big favor. Being the kind who doesn’t want to make his loved ones sad, he said, “well, all right.”

Two months later (November 2013) the mommy sat alone in her bathroom holding a very faintly positive pregnancy test. A feeling of dread washed over her. “Can I do this again? Am I making a terrible mistake?” She tested again the next day and the test was negative. There was no baby coming. She was half past her 44th birthday, and the mommy decided it was time to let this wish go. She was getting too old, the gap between Leila and this potential sibling was getting larger. But it was as if the flicker of possibility served to fan the flames of yearning. A deep sense of loss welled up.

Perhaps the mommy sensed I was waiting, because she soon became more determined than ever to create a new life. To me, that’s when she became my mommy because she wanted so badly to bring me into the family. She started researching everything about fertility, started going to acupuncture every week, ordered blood tests to check her hormones, and waited every month for another positive pregnancy test. It was May 2014 when she was turning 45, and I remember how she cried the morning of mother’s day when her monthly bleeding started. Please keep trying mommy, I’m waiting for you.

That spring Leila and my mommy planted sunflower seeds in the back yard. Mommy thought that growing new life like that would help cultivate an energy of new life in her womb. Finally in July, that elusive second line on the test strip appeared– a positive pregnancy test! She surprised her acupuncturist with a bouquet of sunflowers, and they shared a few tears of joy together. I was on my way at last! At seven weeks pregnant, my mommy went to the doctor’s office and got to see my heart beating. She was so happy and relieved. She shared the news with a few close friends. She and Leila named me “Tiddlywink” and Leila started picking out little things like hair clips for me when they went shopping. Mommy and Daddy even started shopping for a new house where Leila and I could grow up together.

Something was wrong from the start though. The egg I was growing from was not healthy. Nine weeks along, they were out looking at houses and mommy started bleeding. I guess mommy knew this was ending because that night when she was putting Leila to bed, they lovingly put their hands on mommy’s belly and said “Goodbye, Tiddlywink.” No, wait, I want to be with you!

That night mommy spent a lot of time alone in the bathroom bleeding and crying. We were so close. Despite her shock and grief, she collected all my tissues like a scientist and sent them to a lab for testing. It was weird that she was sending part of me away like that but she talked to me the whole way telling me that she wanted to understand what happened. She did learn that there was an extra 9th chromosome in that egg, a common problem as moms get older. She also learned I would have been a girl. That was October, 2014. I had been waiting a full year.

That sad night in the bathroom, my mommy was sure she this would the end of our road together, but I kept hoping. Maybe she heard my wish, because within a couple weeks, she was more determined than ever. Putting mind over matter she started writing positive affirmations and visualizing me being with them in their little family. She gave herself a deadline to try until the end of the year. The pressure was on. A few weeks before Christmas she got another positive pregnancy test! When she saw that faint second line appear on the stick, she fell to her knees and wept. Another chance!

At the seven-week ultrasound she saw my heart beating, but the doctor said I was a little small and my heartbeat was a little slow. His exact words were, “Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.” She did her best to stay hopeful and positive over the next two long weeks. When she went back for the nine-week ultrasound, she waited an agonizing 45 minutes for the doctor to come in. As the doctor and nurse got set up and turned on the scanner, she watched their faces. Waiting, hoping their faces would light up with smiles. No smiles, she knew. She didn’t even need to hear the words. “No heart beat.”

Mommy cried so hard alone in the car on the way home that day. “Leila, I can’t do this any more,” she sobbed. She was so tired, so defeated. The second miscarriage was worse than the first because, I guess I didn’t want to leave. She was waiting for things to happen naturally like it did the first time, but three weeks went by and she was still carrying me in her womb even though I had no life left in me. Finally she got a doctor to prescribe her some pills and I had to let go. She sent tissues for testing again, and found out again that the chromosomes weren’t right…and that this was a girl egg too. Sigh. Mommy, please don’t give up.

She explained to Leila that they had lost Tiddlywink again, and maybe another baby wouldn’t be coming at all. Leila was not discouraged. She simply said, “You can keep trying, mama.” So mama didn’t give up but instead came up with a game plan to make a better egg for me to grow from. She spent a lot of time on the computer reading and planning. The next three months she put all her energy into taking really good care of herself and doing whatever she could to bring forward healthier eggs. Based on her age and her lab tests, the odds were way against us, but she wanted to give it one last try. Two weeks before she turned 46, she got another positive pregnancy test. Oh boy, here we go again!

She scheduled her first doctor’s appointment for nine weeks to avoid getting her hopes up before then. The wait was too much for her though, and at eight weeks she called a place where expecting parents go for fun to get a sneak peek at their baby. They had an opening two hours later. Her heart was pounding as the technician put the scanner on her belly. My heart was pounding too, and they could hear it loud and clear! Tears started streaming down my mommy’s face. Happy tears. The scanning lady said I had a good strong heartbeat, and in all her years of doing these scans she recognized this as the sound of a baby that was going to make it. Hurray! Mommy didn’t tell Leila what was going on though because she knew there was one more test to get through before celebrating.

The blood test at ten weeks would tell us if I was growing from a good egg. Mommy got her blood drawn the day I turned ten weeks and hand delivered the sample to national test headquarters that same day to avoid any possible delivery delay from the July 4th holiday. You should have seen my mommy calling the lab every day to find out if the results were in. She was beyond eager to hear the news as she truly saw this as her final opportunity before she closed the door for good on this quest.

At 11 weeks, Mommy’s doctor finally called and left a voicemail. She nervously hit ‘play’ and heard the words, “genetically normal”. She quickly called him back to confirm and he said, “Everything is normal, and do you want to know the gender?” Yes! “It’s a girl.” As soon as she hung up the phone, Mommy picked up Leila and said, “Guess what? Mommy’s having a baby and it’s a girl!” Mommy cried a whole bunch and Leila was super happy, saying excitedly, “I wanted a girl and it’s a girl!” I was basking in love. And I was finally on my way!!

​Even with the all clear from the blood test, it took a while for my mommy to trust that I was going to be okay his time. Daddy and Leila came to the ultrasound with us at 20 weeks for my first big photo shoot. The doctor said all my parts looked good, and I think Mommy started breathing a little more deeply from that point on. I’m 31 weeks along now which means I only have two months to wait until I get to snuggle in my mommy’s and daddy’s arms. It’s pretty cozy in here though and I enjoy my late night workouts, practicing my aikido moves and triple steps while everyone else is sleeping. My big sister talks to me a lot through my mommy’s belly. It’s kind of muffled but I can tell she’s going to be fun and she’s going to give me lots of kisses. She’ll be four and a half years old when I arrive. I can’t wait to meet my family. At last!

After much heartache, heartbreak and determination, Tiddlywink is coming! Estimated due date January 27, 2016.